the ticking of the clock in this tired body.
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buds explode in blossom.
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leaves fall. down. down. down.
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snow. deep, silent, waiting.
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the body continues, the body goes on.
as prompted by One Deep Breath
March 27, 2007 at 10:09 am
Like the 1st best.
if there was some way to separate these out on the page so each gets proper breath time?
maybe for presentation?
a haiku
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(center in html tag)
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(align left)
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March 27, 2007 at 10:40 am
I enjoyed thes, I think the first one is my favourite but the second is very much Spring…. I agree with Pearl about separating them out, maybe a line of dots or stars between each haiku.
March 27, 2007 at 10:45 am
Or maybe arrows.
Love the connection to the body and falling snow.
March 27, 2007 at 11:12 am
The leaves falling… that was a great one. Simple, simple, simple…
March 27, 2007 at 11:49 am
Thank you all. I agree that they need to be separated out and have done so here. See if this works for you. I would love to hear if it looks right.
March 27, 2007 at 12:07 pm
As a 60 something I relate to the first one too. The “leaves fall down down down” is also a great one like Regina said.
About the punctuation thing I read this on the Haiku clinic page:
‘ A one-line poem does not include forced pauses, indicated by space, grammar, syntax, or punctuation, though it may include logical punctuation, as in the case of multiple adjectives preceding a noun.’ Oh, well, what are rules for if not the breaking?
March 27, 2007 at 12:49 pm
I like the separation like this. Just like the seasons.
I used punctuation in my one liners, am I a bad girl?
Rose
xo
March 27, 2007 at 1:39 pm
I’m partial to punctuation too, but that’s mostly because I’m such a tight-ass. I like the control it gives me over the movement of the reading. David Shumate, a prose poet, had some good things to say about this. He uses punctuation as well as any poet I’ve ever read.
Did I just admit to the world that I’m a tight-ass?
March 27, 2007 at 2:54 pm
one of the points about one-line haiku [the term "one-liners" grates] is that they should flow and punctuation normally stops the flow whereas lack of punctuation allows the words to interact with each other more giving the chance of multiple experiences for the reader.
I like the first of these most and can almost tolerate the presence of the full stop as being integral
March 27, 2007 at 3:42 pm
When the prompt came out on One Deep Breath I had no idea whatsoever how to do it. I’m seeing more and more how they work.
And Gerald, I love the “almost tolerate” line. I thought I was the only one who talked like that!
March 28, 2007 at 12:35 am
The first is my favorite, but I had fun making my voice fall down down down with the leaves.
March 28, 2007 at 6:33 am
The snow one is especially strong for me. It really made me pause, slow my breathing and focus on every word. When there are many each word has far greater impact.
March 28, 2007 at 10:06 pm
I agree with Jem…when I read the snow haiku, I could actually feel my heartbeat slowing down…down…down
Amazing, with so few words. Quite masterful!
April 2, 2007 at 12:18 am
…beautiful, I enjoyed it!
August 19, 2008 at 12:27 am
a distant blossom unfolds into an egret